Dennis’ Inner World

Last night, like usual, I played basketball with my bunch of friends at the basketball court not far away from my house. Yes, these friends were not my normal friends, they were my respectful foster brothers. My luck was bad while we were playing. Every shots I made did not get in the basket, no matter it was two points or three points. Of course, I was annoyed by the mistakes I made like snatching the ball from my teammates, tapping the ball to the out of bounce zone and many more. Worse still, the teammates weren’t some strangers. They were my foster brothers!

Finally, everyone went back after two hours of tiring match. The only one remained was my big brother, Kelvin. He invited me to eat supper at “Husimah”, somewhere near the fire brigade in Tanjung Tokong. Since I was not planning anything last night, I agreed and followed him. When we were waiting for our suppers, we chatted for a while. “How’s your preparation for your SPM?” He asked.

“Don’t need ask. I’m dying.” I replied. “I studied in the library near Union High School today. Finally, I make some preparation.”

Looking at his appearance, I knew something was wrong with him. He never asked me about my academic performance. Why did he ask about my SPM that night? Something was definitely wrong! “Then, why did you play so bad just now? Lay up is your specialty! And, you missed five times continuously just now! Are you thinking something else while playing?” He asked.

His question surely stunned me. I did not know how to answer. So, I remained silent. He must be blaming me for losing the match against the other just now. If I did not miss the lay ups, we would have won the game. So, I apologized to him and promised I will play better next time. “You know that isn’t the main point. Something’s bothering you? Are you being bullied by some other people? Maybe I should help.” He said.

“No. I appreciate it. Just having some problems while in the library.” I said. “But, these can be settled after some time. So, don’t worry.”

He remained silent. Then, he looked at me with those suspicious eyes. Bah! I knew he wanted me to tell him. But, I did not know how to express to him. “I know your personality, Dennis. Let me guess… Family or friends?” He asked.

Again, I was stunned by his question. He said he wanted to guess, but that was not a guess. That was a question! “Both! I’m sick of this life I’m going through now.” I exclaimed. My sound was so loud that the people eating on the other tables turned to look at me. How humiliating!

He hesitated for a moment. “Ah! Your family problems I knew already. But I could not help. I shouldn’t get involved. If friends, I still can do something about it. Speak it out! I’m your big brother, remember?” He said.

Finally, I was just going to speak everything out in the end. There must be no secret between brothers, eh? I understand. So, time for speaking out my anger. “I met up with a girl I didn’t want to meet while studying in the library. Well, you know… I can’t face her!” I said.

“Eh? Which girl so unlucky makes you think like that?” He asked. By that time, the food already sent to our table.

Well, that’s not the main problem anyway. And, stop mocking me! “I done something wrong a few years ago. So, I was afraid when I met up with her. So, I didn’t want to meet her. But, God is toying with me today. I met up with her. And, she recognized me! Darn!” I confessed.

After listening to me, he sighed. “Don’t you ever stop? You keep on thinking these things. You also said la! A few years ago! Maybe she doesn’t blame you already leh? You can know meh?” He said.

When I saw him sigh, I also sighed. “Haiz. She kept on looking at me! She must be recalling what I have done to her. I’m doomed!”

“You raped her? If not, don’t think already la! A few years ago, you’re immature ma! Among six brothers, you’re the most problematic! You keep on letting past haunting you! Like that, you won’t happy de la! Forget it ba! I thought Eric told you to change liaw?! You ah..! Don’t know how to say you!” He advised.

Yeah, maybe he was right. But, hey! I raped her? Are you kidding? If I raped her, I would have killed myself years ago! Maybe I should forget it! Dennis! You must forget! Forget!

Finally, we finished our supper after some time. “Don’t think too much already la! Go back and have a nice sleep! Perhaps you need some girlfriends to calm yourself down. Never mind, tomorrow I take you go New World. Let you see some leng lui! Then only you can forget!” He mocked me before going back. What he’s thinking? Do I look like someone who plays girl?! Darn him!

So, before I went back home, I took a walk in my apartment garden. I remembered what Kelvin told me earlier. “Haiz. Forgetting? It’s not that easy! Better think how to redeem my sins after meeting again with her in future ler. Or maybe think how to escape from her ler!” I told myself.

That whole night, I felt sad. When I came back home, my weird parents looked at my sad appearance. “How? Lost your match already?” They asked.

“Yea. I lost! I lost! Happy?” I said angrily. Then, I went back to my room and directly sleep. “Yes. I lost the match. I lost to her. I lost to my fate.”

~ by dennislsy on November 6, 2008.